I just finished putting my beautiful baby girl to bed. She's over a year old now and there still is not a day that goes by that I am not thankful for being blessed with her-and we've had our share of not so easy days. But no matter what I go through with her, nothing is more difficult than infertility. Infertility was by far the most difficult obstacle I've ever had to overcome, and it still gives me pains today. That, however, is a story for another day. Today I would just like to share our battle-from start to finish (and by finish I mean the conception of Pumpkin-we still are unsure if we will experience infertility if we try for a second child).
It all really started for us about 3 and a half years ago. I was 22. My husband-or at the time my boyfriend-and I had just moved into our second apartment together with his daughter from his first marriage, my insurance at my new job had just kicked in, and we were ready to have an "ours" baby. It was all very exciting. Only one problem-my cycles have always been pretty screwed up. My shortest unmedicated cycle is 6 weeks long and haveing a 3 month cycle really isn't all that unusual for me. Before deciding to try for a baby, this was the best cycle ever-especially since I also have pretty light bleeding that ends fairly quickly. I absolutely loved my cycles as a teenager. But now that I actually needed my cycles to work properly it was aweful. We tried for a few cycles before I decided to see a doctor. Normally they say you should try at least a year "unless there is a reason to suspect" something is wrong, and I knew something was.
Since I only wanted to try and fix my cycles and wasn't asking for fertility treatments, my doctor was very willing to do some bloodwork on me the very day I went in. The first tests were to check my hormone levels. As it would turn out, my hormone levels were totally normal. Ironically, when you go through this process and you actually suspect something is wrong "normal" is the exact opposite of what you want to hear. If they don't know what is wrong, they can't treat it. At this point I was referred to an ob-gyn. My new ob-gyn got me in for a new patient visit and we discussed my issues and scheduled yet another appointment. This time I needed an ultrasound to check that the lining of my uterus was neither too thick or too thin and to make sure everything looked normal. Aside from my having a tilted uterus-which apparently has no effect on fertility-all was once again normal. Naturally I had to set another appointment just to go over the results of the ultrasound. Altogether, this much of the testing phase of infertility took around 4-6 months, so if you suspect something is wrong, I highly recommend getting the testing phase of things done ASAP.
Since we could find no explanation for why my cycles were crazy or for why I was not yet pregnant, my doctor ordered a semen analysis on my hubby and prescribed clomid for me to start after we verified my husband had good swimmers. This was very exciting because we were finally actually doing something that would give us a real chance every month. Unfortunately the first dose of clomid did not work. I was prescribed a medicine to induce my period and even that almost didn't work. Since my period was so reluctant to show I got referred straight to a fertility specialist. I think getting referred to a specialist was the first time I actually cried about my situation. I knew it was silly-who better to help us get pregnant than a guy who's entire job is getting couples pregnant? But getting referred to a specialist also made it very real-I REALLY a had a problem now. Something that is supposed to be so natural and easy and a birthright, and I had to go to a specialist to make it happen.
After I got my cry out and went to my specialist, I was excited. My specialist was very awesome. For the first time a doctor sat me down and really laid out the game plan in the long run, whereas everyone wlse just explained this step right now. I left from my initial consultation feeling a renewed sense of hope! My clomid prescrition for increased to 100 mg and it actually worked. I was finally ovulating in a normal timeframe! I just "knew" that this would be it for us. Unfortunately, we did not get pregnant on that cycle or the next. My fertility specialist decided to go ahead and order the HSG test.
An HSG test is where they use a vaginal catheter to inject a dye into your uterus to check that your Fallopian tubes are not blocked. One thing that I really liked about my doctor is he FIRST made sure I was ovulating before we did the test. Some doctors will do it at the beginning to get it over with, but I feel the other way-my doctor's way- is a better way. Why? Because a lot of people are able to get pregnant after the hsg. The dye they use has a side effect of really making sure your tubes are clean. If I had it done on a cycle where I did not ovulate that would be throwing away this bonus perk of a rather pricy fertility test! Why waste the perk?
I think of all the tests I went through, the HSG was the scariest test. All the other ones were very non invasive, and I while I have no fear of needles, I AM afraid of catheters. To add to it, my husband was not allowed to come back with me. They didn't want to expose anyone to radiation unnecessarily. The test actually was not as bad as I had thought it would be though. There was a moment of pain when the catheter needed to be adjusted and it just was not pleasant, but aside from that it was relatively pain free. Afterwards I was once again excited-my tubes were totally clear, and we were continuing clomid so I was going to ovulate. Surely the added fertility from the HSG would be enough. As fate would have it, it still was not meant to be.
It was around this time that my husband and I got married. Somehow, during this stage of my life everything and anything somehow related back to my fertility, so I thought for sure that maybe God just wanted me to get married and do things "right." Once we are married I thought for sure God would bless us with a baby. Eventually he did, but it was several months later.
Meanwhile hubby and I moved up in the world of fertility treatments to clomid with and IUI and timed intercourse. We did 3 cycles like this and still got nowhere. It was time for us to consider the more expensive treatment options. Clomid clearly was not working for us. The next step was a powerful drug called gonadotropins and withe hat we could either do just times intercourse or continue doing IUI's in addition. If those didn't work our options would be IVF or adoption.
We had a very serious talk and decided the best course for our family was to take a month off while we had our honeymoon (we had our honeymoon a couple months after the wedding) and come back to a cycle of follistim (there are 3 brands of gonadotropin and follistim is one of them) and an IUI with timed intercourse. If that didn't work, we decided that we could not keep throwing money fruitlessly at treatments. We also could not afford to do IVF THEN adoption-it would be one or the other.
We went on our honeymoon, came back and started our follistim cycle. It was Christmas time when I was doing the injections, and we went to my aunt's Christmas Eve party that year. While we were there, one of the guests and I got to talking-she had also experienced infertility and now had 2 kids, so we kinda bonded over that. She then proceeded to get drunk and predict that I would have a baby boy by the Christmas party the following year. I shrugged it off-infertility hurts, but it's not like I was going to take a drunk prediction seriously. Not only did she predict my baby, she also predicted that one of my cousins-who had no plans of having a child and was possibly getting ready to have a hysterectomy done-would also have a baby boy by the next Christmas party.
The cycle failed. I was not pregnant, and when faced with the choice of IVF-where a pregnancy may or may not happen-or adopting where we would eventually for sure get our baby, we chose adoption. I cried. Not because I am against adoption-I was adopted myself and am VERY pro-adoption. Just because I wanted my baby now, and because I would not experience pregnancy ever. I would omit be able to breastfeed, or holds newly born baby. Because we had just spent thousands of dollars and now we're going to spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to adopt. It was all so much to handle. My body was broken. That hurts no matter what.
By the following week I had researched all the adoption agencies trying to find the most affordable and deciding what kind of adoption we wanted to do and taking all the effort I had put into trying to conceive and fling myself headfirst into adoption. I was GOING to have a baby. I needed to have a baby. I needed to be a real mommy, not just a step mom. We actually wound up having a very interesting experience in the adoption realm, but alas, that is also a story for another time.
Hubby and I sent in our homestudy contract and check ($1500). Within a week it got sent back to us for insufficient stamps. So I added another stamp and sent it back out. Meanwhile I had been having tingly breasts for 4 weeks and instead of my period showing up, my breasts were killing me. I decided if I didn't have my period by Saturday I would use up a test. That Saturday i peed on and Internet cheapie and got an instant positive test. I isn't believe it so I dunked a first response into the cup-my first response was so positive that the test line was darker than the control line. I ran into our room at 5 30 am and woke my husband (who worked second shift back then) and told him I was pregnant. He definitely did not believe me. I don't think he actually believed me until we went to the gender scan.
To this day I cannot believe that I actually have a baby! My baby that was conceived by us, without fertility treatment. Of course all of those treatments were almost definitely still in my system. I know because the dating ultrasound showed I was 6 weeks pregnant when it had only been 6 weeks since I started the cycle. That means that I ovulated when I was supposed, not when I normally would have.
I remember reflecting on everything late one night after my daughter was born as I nursed her to sleep. Infertility was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, but without a doubt it has made me a better mom, and if it had not been for my infertility battle, I would not have my daughter, and I wouldn't trade her for ANYTHING. You see, my daughter is the result of a very specific sperm meeting a very specific egg, and if I had conceived any earlier, it would not have been the RIGHT sperm and egg that met. And if I had not gone through infertility I might not have been able to FULLY appreciate what a blessing my daughter is. As things stand now-I am able to parent my daughter with confidence and trust my instincts. So many people have an opinion on what is the right way to parent a child, but I know my daughter best, and I have the confidence to trust my instincts when people give me well intentioned advice. Most importantly, I enjoy every minute with my daughter. From middle of the might wake ups to the dirty diaper to the precious cuddles, smiles and kisses, I love being Pumpkin's mommy. Mommy hood is worth fighting for! So often the reality doesn't live up to the dream, but in this-the reality is far better than the dream.
So if you are struggling with infertility, make yourself a promise that you will never ever give up. Promise yourself you WILL make it happen. Maybe you won't make it happen in the conventional way, but that doesn't make mommy hood any less great. As an adopted person myself, I can honestly say that my mom is the person who raised me. I am great ful to my birth mom for giving birth to me instead of aborting me, don't get me wrong. But my mom is the one who was there for me my whole life. Or perhaps one of the treatments that did not work for us will work for you. Or maybe you will get lucky as we did and conceive when you go to adopt. No matter how you get there, mommy hood is worth fighting for-so make your dream come true!!
